the chip

With the chip, there is an inherent need to engage in philosophical reflection that goes beyond the memorizing of facts, a drive to run past "book-smart," and finally, an overwhelming desire to dig with the hope of discovering the existential meaning to ones own life. There is a unanimous socratic agreement amongst this group of humans that "the unexamined life is not worth living," followed up with a philosophical process that includes a willingness to make whatever personal sacrifices deemed necessary, to ensure intellectual/spiritual progression continues. This includes the willingness to attempt to remain "unattached" for at least a season (or two) in order to purge what may have contaminated our psyche.

water it & let it grow

tragic relief

Standing side-by-side, their deliciously dressed bodies in crisp, black suits, cast a sorrowful, yet familiar, shadow over me. Unwrapping the special memories once made together, forced a metamorphic phenomenon, turning lying boys into honest men. I could feel their tears collectively slide down my cold, pale flesh but my beatless heart could not break. Tragic relief, I learned in death, felt indifferent, but infinite miles from soullessness.

external acceptance

Unraveling the truth of a past which goes on to haunt and taint the future.

Schlepping 'round town in fancy boots.

Old, without a purpose that goes beyond the self.

Inherent sexiness cannot be contained by crying out a thousand Hail Mary's while chained to a church pew. Such an attempt forces an inevitable explosion, leaving pieces of beautiful flesh to graze upon a pile of dirt laid so "neatly" above hell. Animalistic desires unleashed through tragic circumstances will scramble, chew up and spit out a sound moral code, turning the steady hand of G-d invisible, even though it remains right where it always has been - upon us.

complimentary blueprints

Starved for what is meant to be eaten slowly and consistently, many of us are raised inhaling emotionally powerful shapes of detrimental romantic love. In our naiveté, it never dawns upon us how truly devastating it would be for us to reach our death bed having lived the disturbing tragic love screenplay. Interestingly, those who have lived through one are amazed that their unhealthy relationship ended.

They go on to spend years of their life stuck in some black hole mourning over something that wasn't even close to real love simply because it made them feel like shit at least 75% of the time. Drawn to the dark side, comfortable in a state of misery and suffering - these are indications that something knocked them off kilter as they were trying to form into their own person. My bet is this something was a someone and their name was either mom or dad, perhaps both.

Essentially, the human being is a container of energy. An encounter with that one soul who has the effortless ability to move sweetly, yet forcefully, through our soul like a mighty pheromone, will inevitably (but unintentionally,) cause our weak relational foundation to come crumbling down in addition to our personal walls. Individuals, who get swooped into dysfunctional relationships with highly disturbing attributes, really don't know what a real love story is, because they aren't quite sure what a real life one even looks like.

After experiencing a heartfelt encounter with another soul, their inability to embrace the beauty of real love and their apprehension to let it breathe them in, remains incomprehensible to their psyche for quite some time. What wakes them up is their growing awareness that the desire to experience such an amazing kind of love, doesn't diminish, and they learn this when they unsuccessfully fight like hell to kill it. But instead of dying, it merely grows until combustion occurs.

Overcome with fright, they retreat into survival mode because no one knows better then they, that losing what one has never had – sincere, beautiful, unconditional love - but that one has always wanted, literally holds the power to unleash detrimental consequences. Honestly, who would sign up to even potentially display such a lack of self control? But when the love is real, it's not going anywhere. Trust that and just make a daily attempt to move forward in a direction that will, in time, feel more comfortable and natural.

Real love is not a battlefield, but everyone should enter into it as they would a sport - with caution - and they must play at their own risk. Choose to play with the wrong person, and be prepared to spend the rest of your life spent with that person, fooling yourself into believing that what you have found is actually love. Also, kiss an authentic life (the one intended for you,) goodbye, because your soul will in time, freeze up, in order to survive a chilly, false, love affair day-after-day. Know this - NO ONE is guaranteed that the damage done while in a dysfunctional relationship, can be reversed. This is ultimately the tragedy of a "tragic love" ending.

For many people, it's simply too late. One morning they wake up and realize their heart is permanently smashed between the numbing life chapters responsible for turning it to stone in the first place. Is that what you want for yourself? Or do you want real love and to be really loved? Daily misery or joy? Consumed by thoughts of what may have been...what is out there...or sincere contentment? And let's say you do find real love - are you going to risk losing the gift of a second shot because you're actually mourning what was never even love in the first place? A large percentage of the outcome of your personal happiness is up to you. So, what are you going to do about it? Either way, a decision has to be made eventually.

The human soul is only designed to endure so much grief and heartache. Eventually it will become permanently altered and have no choice but to join the side where true love and joy do not live because there is no life over there, at least not with that other person. Until we can understand why we can't let true love in, it is up to us to take the wheel and steer our heart in a direction navigated by our brains and perhaps rely on a little help from our (true) friends.

Things will work themselves out because we were originally made to take this path. And as we walk forward, ironically forgetting the bad and taking with us only the good memories, we need to remind ourselves that the loving thing to do, is to let go of someone we know deep down, is not meant for us, so that both people have the same chance of potentially meeting and joining into a union with another soul whose blueprint compliments their own.

peter pan

Peter Pan came looking for me again because he had to tell me he loved me...that he was devoted to me in his heart just like he had been all the times before. Apprehensive to believe him...again...my love for Peter Pan turns my heart into what it always does - a stick of melting butter. But I have wounds, I tell him, wishing he had noticed them first, but I know he knows they've been there ever since the last time he left me crying in the dust. He tells me he is sorry and I believe him not only because there is sorrow in his eyes, but because he begins to prove it. As he kisses my wounds he sews them up with his machine. Peter Pan makes me feel all better - for now. I fall in love with him all over again, plus more than the time before. There is sunshine when he's around and I can't stop touching him...and he can't stop kissing me. Holding hands, we lock fingers, walking side-by-side in the brisk city fall weather. At home he puts me into his bed and purrs me to sleep. But my sweet dreams of Peter Pan always come to an end when I'm startled awake by his nervous energy and greeted by the hollow eyes of a frightened, lost little boy whom I cannot communicate with because I do not know sign language. I am thus forced...again...to watch Peter Pan ride off into his alternative fairyland, as he stains his bike wheels red with my hearts blood he collected in vials when I wasn't looking. He manages to leave me a hand-sewn bag with mace and a pair of shoes because that's what "nice guys" do to alleviate their self-inflicted guilt. One day Peter Pan will realize what he keeps leaving behind because one day I won't be here to find.

introspection

We are all performing for someone else, aware of it or not. We were all created by G-d, for G-d. Look around and see all the hearts ripped out of their chests by the hands of the body they belong too. See them lick the blood with a tongue of lust. Talking their imaginary audience into existence, unaware they were designed to speak directly to their creator from their head. We all must look in sometimes, but the danger comes when we spend our whole lives doing it, never refocusing our attention upward.

Introspection, the modern day god.

Simon Jacob Finkelstein

Both Simon and his wife, Sylvia, would tell you the same thing – they weren’t merely floating on a cloud that afternoon when they fell in love traveling down a mountain. It was more than that. As the most romantic love movies point out, being together felt like “home.”

This mutual feeling would sustain Simon and Sylvia through all of the difficult times they went on to share. When there is respect between two people, the special bond of love simply cannot be broken or even eroded over time. Sylvia always acknowledged, however, to her female friends who desired to find the “right man,” that Simon really was different. She would admit to them that even she had given up hope of ever finding someone like her beloved Simon.

Upon meeting him, Sylvia immediately cherished Simon’s love for tradition, knowing that most of the men of her generation did not have families who rooted them in anything but those things originated in sin, such as the love of money and the condition of heart lust for the female species.

For a man like Simon, it was not difficult to make his wife feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, even when she was no longer physically the wife of his youth. You see, Simon loved his G-d immensely, thus, throughout his life he was changed within the heart, into the image of his Lord, through the power of the Holy Spirit. Just as his ancestor, King David, once had been too.

Simon Jacob Finkelstein died at age 90 of natural causes. He was buried near Mount Moriah where his beloved wife, Sylvia, will join him one day.

rejection & insecurity

Every one of us was designed with the inherent need to be loved and/or accepted unconditionally, regardless of our individual shortcomings. Yet on a continual basis we all experience rejection via one form or another. We're all aware that the smarter, better looking, more talented and wealthier we are, the less rejection we will experience in society. We're all fighting hard to keep up an image so as to avoid the harsh reality of rejection.

What is the root of our fear of rejection? Insecurity, of course. Are we weak if we are insecure? The answer to this question depends on where or to whom, you turn for an answer. As is the case with most things, people have their personal opinion. I say no, we are not "weak" if we are insecure. Otherwise, we'd all be "weak" because we all have insecurities. Whether we like it or not, insecurities are just a part of life. So what the heck are we doing ripping on each other about them for? I think we should all stop pretending we don't have insecurities.

“Keep me from lying to myself...” the Psalmist prays in 119:29. Every person knows that they are capable of doing things to another person that in hindsight is a shock even to their own system. If only they would stop lying to themselves, then perhaps they could realize that they did these things due to feeling insecure about the potential reality of being rejected by another person and thus experiencing rejection.

Let’s take comfort in knowing we are all connected with one another in this shared fear.

Let's stop being insecure about being insecure.

Let's admit it’s a fact that people are insecure and need to know they are loved and/or accepted by another not only when they are beautiful, talented and/or successful, but even when they are not...Especially when they are not.

If you can't handle doing this, then do the rest of us a favor and don't say anything at all. There is already enough poison in this world attempting to crush our human spirit.

family skeletons

No more stuffing these bony asses into the closet because I AM DONE.